{"id":138,"date":"2013-01-12T09:45:43","date_gmt":"2013-01-12T14:45:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/?p=138"},"modified":"2013-01-12T19:58:55","modified_gmt":"2013-01-13T00:58:55","slug":"a-friend-in-need","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/a-friend-in-need\/","title":{"rendered":"a friend in need"},"content":{"rendered":"

We\u2019re all a little worried about Patton Oswalt.<\/em><\/p>\n

Having known him since we were kids, it\u2019s obvious he isn\u2019t himself lately. He\u2019s depressed, lethargic, and we\u2019re all little bit worried.<\/p>\n

But he\u2019s a celebrity. It\u2019s not like we can just check him into a hospital. So my wife and I and a few other friends go on Patton watch.<\/p>\n

I take the first shift, spending the evening with him driving around town. <\/p>\n

After hitting a few bars, we end up wandering aimlessly through the darkened streets. He\u2019s got a very cool, fully restored 1970s van with wood paneling and shag carpet. <\/p>\n

I look over at him behind the wheel and ask \u201cSo\u2026 What do you want to do now?\u201d<\/p>\n

He considers for a moment. Then he turns the wheel sharply, crashes the van through a small wooden fence, accelerates up over a hill and down into a small lake.<\/p>\n

As the engine misfires and dies, we sit there bobbing along.<\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>I kinda knew you were going to do that,\u201d I tell him. I figure it\u2019s good he got it out of the system.<\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>Holy shit,\u201d he says. \u201cDo you think we\u2019re gonna sink?\u201d<\/p>\n

I shrug. I figure were pretty buoyant for the time being.<\/p>\n

We drift closer to shore. Relieved, I gather up my cell phone and an old dream journals I\u2019ve been carrying around lately.<\/p>\n

Then Patton rolls the windows down.<\/p>\n

The van tips in his direction and water starts to pour in. I scramble out my door and managed to step onto the shore without getting too wet.<\/p>\n

I look back as the van drifts away and sinks.<\/p>\n

Patton Oswalt goes down with the ship.<\/p>\n

I wait. After a few moments he surfaces, sputtering, covered in duckweed and laughter.<\/p>\n

Squishing all the way, streaming gray-green water, we walk back to his house.<\/p>\n

While he gets cleaned up, I make some calls. \u201cThe situation has gotten a little bit more complicated.\u201d.<\/p>\n

When my wife arrives, she is particularly worried. She reveals to us that Patton has surgery schedule for tomorrow, which is the source of his depression.<\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>Oh, right. Is this for his penis thing?\u201d someone else asks.<\/p>\n

Apparently Patton was born with a very small... member. It\u2019s haunted him for years and he\u2019s finally famous enough (and rich enough) to afford a surgical procedure to enhance it.<\/p>\n

Still coming to terms with this news, I realize that we haven\u2019t seen Patton in a while. After a quick search, it\u2019s clear he\u2019s snuck out the back.<\/p>\n

While a few people go off to see if they can find him, my wife and I and another comedian \u2014 I don\u2019t remember who now \u2014 sit and talk as the sun comes up.<\/p>\n

At one point, the comedian gets out his marijuana and rolling papers. He offers the joint to me. <\/p>\n

I tell him I not only don\u2019t do drugs, but have never done drugs. <\/p>\n

He gives me a look and I suddenly feel very old and conservative, like Don Draper hanging out with beatniks.<\/p>\n

He puts in a VHS<\/span> tape from the doctor who is performing the procedure for our friend. I have to admit the before-and-after shots are impressive. <\/p>\n

Apparently the doctor Is particularly popular with rappers. Who knew?<\/p>\n

Sometime later, Patton returns\u2026 a changed man. <\/p>\n

He is glowing with pride and infused with glee. It\u2019s a relief to see him, and see him so happy again. <\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>It went great!\u201d He proclaims, hands on his hips. \u201cThe doctor says I\u2019m ready for action again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>I\u2019ll be the judge of that,\u201d my wife says.<\/p>\n

Patton unveils his majesty and, I have to say, I\u2019m impressed.<\/p>\n

Not only is it quite large, both in length and girth, but the doctor has also done some sculpting as well, giving it the appearance of a cartoon shark. Fiberglass teeth complete the hot rod look.<\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>I\u2019m not entirely sure that\u2019s what ladies want...\u201d I say carefully, not wanting to hurt his feelings.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m awake before he can reply.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We\u2019re all a little worried about Patton Oswalt. Having known him since we were kids, it\u2019s obvious he isn\u2019t himself lately. He\u2019s depressed, lethargic, and we\u2019re all little bit worried. But he\u2019s a celebrity. It\u2019s not like we can just check him into a hospital. So my wife and I and a few other friends [\u2026]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wp_typography_post_enhancements_disabled":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[58,185,192,116,190,193,89,196,93,189,184,186,191,197,133,187,194,188,100,195],"class_list":["post-138","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dreams","tag-awkward","tag-comedians","tag-dream-journal","tag-driving","tag-friends","tag-ipad","tag-lakes","tag-marijuana","tag-night","tag-parks","tag-patton-oswalt","tag-penises","tag-sharks","tag-silly","tag-streets","tag-surgery","tag-telephones","tag-vans","tag-wife","tag-worry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/138","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=138"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/138\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":147,"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/138\/revisions\/147"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=138"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=138"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.tmcamp.com\/yesod\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=138"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}